The Ruse is Up: My Dealings with Imposter Syndrome

maya-angelou-quote

I feel stuck and I don’t know why.

Everything is telling me that I should be having the time of my life.

I’m going to my dream grad school. I’m working in a discipline that I love. I’ve successfully survived my first year. And terms such as “intelligent”, “smart” and “successful” have been used to describe me–to describe my life. I mean, I suppose if I were to look at my CV I could maybe shrug in agreement…

But I don’t feel it.

I don’t see it.

And here I am… Stuck. Anxious. In a rut. And scared that my life has been a horrible mistake. That I don’t really belong here. That I’m an imposter.

Imposter syndrome is a common thing that affects people of all types and in all occupations. It manifests itself as feelings of inadequacy. It appears as thoughts that repeatedly tell you that the successes you’ve accumulated in your life were undeserved. And, probably the worst symptom, it presents itself as a fear that one day, someone is going to realize that maybe you’re not as smart and competent as you led them to believe. And you will be seen as a fraud. As a liar. The ruse will be up. And then what?

Have you experienced this? Are some of you nodding your head as your read these words, wondering how did I know? I wouldn’t be surprised if quite a few of you said yes. At least not anymore. After posting about anxiety in (grad) school during my first year of blogging, I learned very quickly that mental health in academia is a huge, stigmatized mess. Hell, mental health in any context is still such a taboo topic that it’s almost pathetic. Because that means that thousands of us end up hiding these very common problems. We isolate ourselves and put on a happy face and unhealthily pretend that nothing is wrong, despite the fact that so many of our peers are going through the exact same thing. Don’t ask, don’t tell… right?

I’m going through this right now. A bout of imposter syndrome mixed with my all too prevalent anxiety issues. It’s a recipe for laying on the floor, unmoving, wondering why I ever decided to come to grad school. It’s a recipe for wondering why I ever thought I could become an amazing scientist. And it’s a recipe for anxious stomach churning at the sight of any work related emails. I feel crippled by the pressure to be successful, to publish, to win that fellowship and to understand topics that people have spent years of their life researching and it really just…sucks.

It sucks.

And I can keep reminding myself that I’m just starting out. That I was admitted into my program for a reason. That people who compliment my abilities aren’t just saying it out of politeness. They see something in me. But it doesn’t always help. And sometimes the tides roll out and I get lost in my own head and despite being someone who might be deemed successful, I feel completely and utterly under-qualified.

But, you know what, that’s okay. It’s a work in progress and though I’m having a rough time right now, it’ll get better. It usually does. Besides, if I’ve learned anything at all it is that whoever said, “fake it till you make it” was definitely onto something. After all, getting to a point where you feel proud of yourself and confident in your own abilities is something that must be constantly worked on. And if nothing else, I can proudly say I’m trying to become the best version of myself.

And really, what else can you ask of yourself?

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9 thoughts on “The Ruse is Up: My Dealings with Imposter Syndrome

  1. Dominique September 18, 2016 / 2:31 PM

    THIS! I confronted this imposter syndrome head-on this week with a professor when I confessed to her that I feel lost trying to develop a theoretical framework that suits my topic at hand. She looked at me like, what? I thought you had an excellent presentation last time and then she went on to give me some very useful tips. It certainly gave me pause and to see myself in another light. As far as mental illness in grad school, yep! Same thing I have discovered about myself and others. I’m starting to believe that there must be some kind of prereq that requires those admitted to suffer from a mental affliction. I, too have written about quitting grad school (still haven’t gotten around to fully updating it with the reason why I stayed but hey, grad school has got me feeling cray with crazy amounts of work right now!) so just know you are not along girl. How many more years do you have left in your program?

    Like

    • Krystal Vasquez September 18, 2016 / 8:36 PM

      I just stared my second year… So somewhere between 4 or 5 depending… Thanks for your comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. TrySunny September 19, 2016 / 6:58 AM

    Very recognisable! Sometimes it helps me to realise that everyone has his/her own insecurities, even professors, ministers and presidents.
    You can do it!

    Like

  3. Toni Wi September 29, 2016 / 5:26 PM

    I feel you on this one. Imposter syndrome is a real thing, and when I first heard about it and heard about other people who felt the same it was all so familiar. Something I did only the other day was print out a copy of a small, 3-page paper that I was proud of at the time and that I got a good mark for from someone who both inspires and intimidates me. I printed it out because I often find myself despairing that I can’t write, that I’m an imposter, and the next thing I work on is going to be terrible. So now when I have these feelings I can look at this physical thing as evidence that I can write, I have written good stuff before, and I am perfectly capable of doing the same again. Anyway, hope that you find your own way to remind yourself that you deserve to be doing what you’re doing!

    Like

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