Oh hello there! I just thought I’d stop by and remind everyone that I still exist. Hope the new year is treating everyone well!
The last time I was here I was freaking out about my upcoming candidacy exam. Well, I’m happy to announce that I passed! 😀 I am officially a PhD candidate! And, I also have the great news of announcing that I won an NSF fellowship too! 😀 It’s a pretty good month if I don’t say so myself. Now if only my instrument and data would agree and give me nice results. O:
Anyway, as I’m trying to get back into the swing of things, my posting schedule may be a little bit hectic. I’m hoping that I’ll get an actual blog post up by next week talking about some of the grad school pro tips I’ve accumulated across this crazy adventure. I am also planning to talk about proposal writing, literature reviews, how to make a good powerpoint for a science talk and how to create a great NSF application packet!
Any objections? Or anything in particular you want me to talk about? Let me know! I hope to be back to (non-academic) writing soon enough.
Another personal post? What is this? I guess I just have a lot of feelings going into my second year which apparently get written out at 2 AM when I’m home alone (which means this was written last week. So hello from past Krystal!) Don’t worry! There are some tips at the end and if you don’t want to read through all the narrative, feel free to skip straight there.
I’ve been feeling a giant lack of motivation lately in just about everything in my life. And this is bad…because I feel like I have a lot to do. I have to write. I have to figure out the next step in lab. I have to figure out what the hell this pile of data means. I have to sort of, kind of start thinking about candidacy. And I have to appear like I’ve made some sort of progress before I have a meeting with my boss in October. Yikes! It’s gotten to the point where I feel that if I keep feeling unmotivated like this–if i keep procrastinating–everything is just going to go to pure…shit, for lack of a better word. And shit is not what I want in my life right now. So, in a desperate effort, I’ve been trying to pinpoint the reason for all these negative feelings (and by pinpoint I mean lying on the floor, blasting angsty music in my hears wondering why the world hates me) and I think that I’ve finally narrowed it down.
I feel stuck and I don’t know why.
Everything is telling me that I should be having the time of my life.
I’m going to my dream grad school. I’m working in a discipline that I love. I’ve successfully survived my first year. And terms such as “intelligent”, “smart” and “successful” have been used to describe me–to describe my life. I mean, I suppose if I were to look at my CV I could maybe shrug in agreement…
But I don’t feel it.
I don’t see it.
And here I am… Stuck. Anxious. In a rut. And scared that my life has been a horrible mistake. That I don’t really belong here. That I’m an imposter.
I made a request a week ago for blog posts ideas, and this was one that made me extremely excited to write because I struggle with this all the time. In fact, when I went to a therapist to deal with anxiety issues, this was probably the number one things that was talked about during our sessions.
What was the question?
So recently, a lot has been happening in my life. Not just with grad school, but real actual adult life too. And I can honestly say that some days just end up being complete and utter chaos. It’s so frustrating! I curse the day when tiny Krystal in pig tails said she wanted to “grow up.” 0/10. Would not recommend.
Anyway, I have recently watched this video by Jenna Marbles and this video by Grace Helbig (because Youtube is my guilty pleasure) and I really liked the idea they had about expelling all that negative energy in hopes that some good vibes will replace them. So that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m releasing all my recent adulting fails to the internet universe and hope that this will result in me becoming an actual functioning adult. (Or at the very least make someone feel better that they’re a better adult than I am…which isn’t hard.)
Will it work? Who knows. But enjoy the pictures, gifs, weird emojis and pathetic failures along the way!
There are good days and there are bad days. Oh boy, are there bad days. There are also days that are neither good nor bad, but ultimately they also suck because you just really needed that good day this week and it hasn’t happened yet and someone said something that pissed you off but you didn’t say anything and you’re just on the brink of flipping a table and leaving, but instead you just take an early day and proceed to blast music and drown out your thoughts. That was today. In case anyone cares. Continue reading